Tips for Writing a Eulogy

Writing a eulogy is a difficult task. It can be hard to condense a lifetime of experiences into a short speech for a memorial service. Eulogies don't have to be depressing or formal. A eulogy can include favorite poems, meaningful memories, war stories or even jokes. Here are some quick tips on how to write a eulogy and put it together with care.

Key points

A eulogy is a short speech about the person who died: who they were, a story or two that shows it, and what they leave behind.
Most eulogies run about 3 to 5 minutes. Spoken aloud, that is roughly 375 to 750 words.
Start by gathering facts and stories, pick one theme, then write the way you talk.
Practice out loud, bring a printed copy, and choose a backup reader.
You don't need to be a good writer or speaker. You only need to be honest and kind.

Feeling stuck before you've begun? If you think better with a pen in hand, the eulogy workbook guides you one page at a time.

How to write a eulogy, step by step

If you only have a few minutes right now, here is the whole process. Each step is explained in more detail below.

Ask how long you'll have to speak and whether anyone else is speaking.
Gather the facts and collect stories from family and friends.
Choose one theme that sums up the person.
Sort your notes and fill in the simple outline further down this page.
Write a first draft the way you would talk at the kitchen table.
Add an opening line and a closing line.
Read it out loud, trim it to time, and practice.
Print a large-type copy and give a second copy to a backup reader.

If you'd like to see what finished eulogies look like first, browse Eulogy Examples or Short Eulogy Examples.

How long should a eulogy be?

Ask the officiant, the funeral director or the family before you write. Many services have a set amount of time, and knowing it up front saves a lot of painful cutting later.

If there's no set limit, these are the usual guidelines. Toastmasters International suggests staying under five minutes when several people are speaking, and seven to ten minutes when you're the only speaker. The UK's National Association of Funeral Directors suggests five to ten minutes, or about 700 to 1,200 written words. For most family services, 3 to 5 minutes feels full and loving without tiring a grieving room.

As a rough guide, at an everyday speaking pace:

1 minute: about 130 words
3 minutes: about 400 words
5 minutes: about 700 words

You'll likely speak a little slower when you're emotional, so the best way to know is to read your draft out loud with a timer. Shorter is almost always better than longer. No one has ever left a funeral wishing the eulogy had gone on for another ten minutes.

1. What do you want to say?

First, collect the facts: age, family information (including children and marriages), places lived, career information and so on. Now think about the person you're remembering. What stories come to mind? What stories or quotes capture your loved one's personality? Talk with other family and friends, so their ideas can be included as well.

2. Decide on a theme

A theme gives purpose to the eulogy and helps your audience see an overall pattern of behavior and what your loved one's life stood for. If you're writing a eulogy for your grandfather, for example, your theme could be how he was always a great storyteller and a confidant to his grandchildren. With your theme in place, you can collect the stories he told to others and to you, how he went on endlessly about the war, and how he helped his family through the rough patches with his wisdom. If your theme is his important work and career, you might speak with coworkers to get stories and memories of his working life and the contributions he made to his field or place of business.

3. Organize your notes into segments

Rewrite your notes onto index cards or sheets of paper that you can shuffle around and work with. This will help you group the information into similar stories or topics. Once you have your notes in an order that flows well, jot the information into a rough outline.

Not sure what order to use? The fill-in outline further down this page gives you a simple shape to follow.

4. Write your speech

Write out a first draft, sticking closely to the outline you've developed. Fill in any gaps by adding information that links the topics, so that each idea flows into the next. Try not to let the speech get too stiff. You don't want a fact sheet on your loved one's life. Try to include real-life experiences or stories, with bits of humor and lightheartedness if they feel right.

5. Practice delivering the eulogy

Read your speech to yourself out loud. This will help you notice any areas that don't sound right or aren't appropriate. Practice in front of another person to get their input, or in front of a mirror to get used to saying the words. Even reading it to a trusted family pet, while imagining an audience, can help you work out the kinks.

While giving the speech, remember to relax and breathe normally. If you get nervous speaking in front of a group, pay attention to how fast you are talking. We tend to speed up when we're nervous, so take it at a normal speaking pace. It's okay to pause to collect your thoughts or to give the audience time to take in what you've said. Remember, no one will be judging you. They are all there to honor your loved one.

Always bring a second copy of your speech and give it to a backup person in case you can't continue. It is common to get emotional or break down while speaking. People will understand, but a backup will make sure your words are shared even if you cannot finish. Above all, relax. If you start to feel nervous, try imagining that you are giving the speech only to your loved one. This can take some of the pressure off.

6. If the service will be livestreamed

Many families now stream a service so that people who live far away, or who can't travel, can be part of it. If you'll be speaking, a few small things help. Ask the person running the stream to do a short test with you beforehand, so you know where to stand and whether your voice carries. Speak a little more slowly than you would in the room. Now and then, look toward the camera so the people watching at home feel included. You might say a sentence to them directly, such as "I know many of you are watching from far away, and we're glad you're here." Have a paper copy of your speech, since screens and connections can fail.

7. If you'll read from your phone

It is fine to read from a phone or tablet. Make the type large, and put the phone in Do Not Disturb mode so a call or notification doesn't interrupt you. Change the screen timeout so it doesn't go dark in the middle of a sentence, and make sure the battery is charged. Hold it steady, close to your chest, and try to look up now and then. Since a phone can freeze or run out of battery at the worst moment, keep a printed copy in your pocket as well.

8. If you're writing a tribute for a pet

A pet's life deserves to be remembered out loud too, and a small gathering, even just your family at the kitchen table or in the backyard, can help. The same tips apply, but a pet tribute is often shorter. Start with the little things only you knew: the way your dog waited at the door, the spot where your cat slept, the funny habits that made them theirs. Say their name. Tell one or two stories, and then say what they gave you. It's okay to cry, and it's okay to laugh. Children can help by sharing a favorite memory or drawing a picture.

A simple eulogy outline you can fill in

This template works for almost anyone: a mother, a father, a grandparent, a friend. Copy it onto paper or into a document and fill in the blanks. The times in brackets are for a eulogy of about 3 to 4 minutes.

Who you are (a sentence or two). "I'm ___, and [Name] was my ___."
Who they were, in one line (a sentence). "[Name] was the kind of person who ___."
A few life facts (about 30 seconds). Where they grew up, their work, the people they loved. Keep this short. It's the frame, not the picture.
Your first story (about 1 minute). One story that shows your theme. Tell it with small details: what was said, where you were, what it smelled or sounded like.
A second story, or what others said (about 1 minute). A memory from a sibling, a coworker or a neighbor, or a second story of your own.
What they loved and what they gave you (about 30 seconds). Their favorite things, and the lesson, habit or saying you'll carry with you.
Your goodbye (a few sentences). A closing line, a short reading, or simply "Thank you. We love you."

If you'd like to add a reading, Funeral Poems has public-domain choices. Many families also print the eulogy in the memorial program or a small keepsake booklet.

Eulogy opening lines

The first sentence is often the hardest. Any of these can get you started. Change the words so they sound like you.

"Most of you knew [Name] as ___. I knew [Name] as ___, and I'd like to tell you about both."
"There's no way to fit [Name] into a few minutes, so I'm going to tell you one story that sounds exactly like [Name]."
"When I sat down to write this, I made a list of words for [Name]. The first one I wrote was ___."
"Everyone in this room has a [Name] story. This is mine."
"If [Name] were here, there would already be a joke about how long I'm going to talk. So I'll try to keep it short."
"[Name] loved ___ more than almost anything, so I want to start there."
"The last time I saw [Name], we talked about ___. I've been thinking about that conversation all week."

Eulogy closing lines

A closing line gives the room a soft place to land. Keep it short.

"[Name], thank you for ___. We'll take it from here."
"If you'd like to honor [Name] this week, ___. That's exactly what [Name] would have done."
"I'll end with what [Name] always said on the way out the door: '___.'"
"We won't stop missing you. And we won't stop telling your stories."
"The next time you ___, I hope you'll think of [Name]. I know I will."
"May [Name] rest in peace, and may we carry that kindness with us." (Swap in a blessing or prayer from your family's tradition, if it fits.)
"Goodbye for now. We love you, and we always will."

How to add humor kindly

Laughter at a funeral is not disrespectful. Often it is a relief, and it can be the moment when the room feels the person most. A few guidelines help:

Laugh with them, not at them. A eulogy is not a roast. Ask yourself, "Would they have laughed at this? Would their closest family?"
Choose stories the whole room will understand. Skip inside jokes that only three people will get.
Let the humor come from who they were, their habits, their sayings, their famous stubbornness, rather than from jokes you found somewhere.
Follow a funny moment with something tender. That turn from a laugh to a quiet truth is often the part people remember.
If the service is formal or held in a place of worship, check with the officiant about tone. And if humor doesn't feel right to you, leave it out. A sincere eulogy is never wrong.

What to leave out of a eulogy

A eulogy is not the place for everything. It's kinder, and easier, to leave out:

Family conflicts, old grudges, or who did or didn't visit.
Private details of their illness or how they died, unless the closest family wants them shared.
Secrets, or stories that could embarrass someone in the room.
A long list of names. It's easy to forget someone. "Everyone who loved and cared for [Name]" includes them all.
A full résumé. One or two accomplishments that mattered to them are enough.
Too much about yourself. Your feelings belong in it, but keep the light on the person who died.
Anything you aren't sure the family would be comfortable with. When in doubt, ask, or cut it.

Writing a eulogy when the relationship was complicated

Sometimes you are asked to speak about someone you loved and struggled with, or someone you were close to once and then weren't. That can make a eulogy feel impossible. You don't have to pretend the relationship was something it wasn't.

Look for what is both true and kind. Maybe it's what they gave other people, a talent they had, or a moment when you saw them at their best. You can name the hard part briefly, without details: "My dad and I didn't always understand each other, but I always knew he was proud of me." Then speak about what you learned, or what you're choosing to keep.

A short eulogy is perfectly fine. So is reading a poem, sharing one memory, or saying no. If the person hurt you, you don't owe anyone a speech, and someone else can speak. Complicated grief is still grief, and it deserves care. 20 Quick Tips to Help with Grief

Writing a eulogy with siblings or as a group

Many families now share the eulogy. It can take the weight off one person, and it lets the room hear the person through several voices.

Talk first, together. Agree on a theme and on the total time, so three speakers don't each give a five-minute speech.
Collect memories in one place, such as a group text, a shared document or a notebook passed around the kitchen table.
Divide it up. One person might cover childhood, another the working years, another the grandchildren. Or one person speaks while the others stand alongside.
Agree on stories ahead of time so no one repeats the same one, and so no one is surprised by a story they'd rather not have told.
Choose one person to read the whole thing through at the end, smooth the transitions and time it.
In blended families, think about everyone who called this person family, including stepchildren and step-grandchildren, and make room for them.
Pick a backup reader for each part, just in case.

For more on speaking together at a service, see Funeral Speech.

More help with your eulogy

If you're writing for someone in particular, these pages have examples to start from: Eulogy for Mom, Eulogy for Dad and Eulogy for a Grandmother. If it all still feels too hard, you're not doing anything wrong. Why Is a Eulogy So Difficult to Write? explains why, and what helps.

If you'd like more help, you may find a book of sample eulogies useful. Top 5 Eulogy Writing Books

Ready to start your first draft? Work at your own pace on paper. The eulogy workbook is coming soon.

Sources

Toastmasters International, "How to Write a Eulogy" - https://www.toastmasters.org/resources/public-speaking-tips/how-to-write-a-eulogy
National Association of Funeral Directors (UK), Funeral Directory, "How to Write a Eulogy" - https://funeral-directory.co.uk/guides/how-to-write-a-eulogy/
University of Minnesota Libraries, Communication in Practice, Vocal Delivery - https://open.lib.umn.edu/commpractice/chapter/vocal-delivery/
The opening and closing lines, outline and examples on this page are original writing.