In crisis in the U.S.? Call or text 988. Veterans: dial 988, then press 1.

More help and resources

The Five Stages of Grief, and What Grief Is Really Like

Grief · 8 min read · First published 2026 · Updated November 2026

Pink rose petals scattered on wet pavement
Photo by Ian Taylor on Unsplash

You may have heard that grief comes in five stages and that you will move through them one at a time, in order, until you reach "acceptance." If your own grief does not look like that, you are not doing it wrong. Almost no one's does.

This page explains where the five stages came from, what they can and cannot tell you, and some newer ways of understanding grief that many people find truer to life.

Key points

  • The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They come from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's 1969 work with people who were facing their own deaths, not from studying people who were grieving.
  • They are not a fixed order, and not everyone feels all of them. You might skip some, repeat others, or feel several on the same day.
  • Newer models describe grief as moving back and forth between hard feelings and everyday life, and as keeping a lasting bond with the person who died.
  • Most people find their way through grief with time and support. Some need extra help, and there is no shame in that.
  • Grief for a pet is real grief, and these ideas apply to it too.

Where the five stages came from

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a psychiatrist who spent time with people who were dying. In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, she described five common emotional responses she saw in patients facing a terminal illness: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Over the years, the stages were borrowed to describe people who are grieving a death. That is a very natural leap, since the feelings can look similar. But the original work was about the dying person's own experience, and the model was not built from studies of bereaved people.

The five stages, in plain words

Denial. "This can't be happening." Shock and numbness can carry you through the first days. They are a kind of cushion, letting in only as much as you can bear.

Anger. At the doctors, at God, at the person who died, at yourself, at people who say the wrong thing. Anger is often pain wearing a different coat. It deserves to be heard, not shamed.

Bargaining. "If only I had called sooner." "I'll do anything if..." The mind searches for a way to undo what happened, and guilt often rides along with it.

Depression. A deep sadness, tiredness, and a feeling that nothing matters. This is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a natural response to a great loss.

Acceptance. Coming to terms with the fact that the person is gone and that life has changed. Acceptance does not mean you are "over it," or that you are glad, or that you have stopped missing them.

What the stages get wrong

The stages can be a helpful vocabulary, but they are often misunderstood.

  • They are not a staircase. Many people do not feel the stages in sequence, or at all. You might feel acceptance on Tuesday and a wave of anger on Wednesday.
  • They are not a to-do list. There is no stage you "should" be in. You cannot fall behind, and you cannot grieve badly.
  • They leave out a lot. Longing, loneliness, relief, fear, guilt, confusion, even moments of laughter are all part of grief, and none of them are on the list.
  • Grief does not end at a finish line. Many people find that grief does not disappear. It softens, and life slowly grows around it.

Other ways of understanding grief

Researchers and counselors have offered other models over the years. You do not have to pick one. Just notice which sounds like you.

The dual process model. Psychologists Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut (1999) noticed that people usually do not feel sad every minute. They move back and forth between facing the loss (crying, remembering, missing) and facing everyday life (errands, work, laughing at a joke). Both are part of healing, and there is no set rhythm. If you had a good day and then felt guilty, this model says you are simply moving the way grief moves.

Continuing bonds. Older ideas suggested you had to "let go" to heal. Klass, Silverman and Nickman (1996) described how many people keep a loving connection through memories, traditions, talking to the person, and honoring their values. Staying connected is considered healthy.

The tasks of mourning. Psychologist William Worden (1982) described grief as four tasks rather than stages: accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain, adjusting to a world without them, and finding a lasting connection with them while you re-engage with life. People revisit these in their own time, and they are not steps in a strict order.

Disenfranchised grief. Kenneth Doka (1989) used this term for grief that other people do not acknowledge or support, such as the loss of a pet, an ex, a friend, or a pregnancy. If people have made you feel your loss does not count, know that it does.

Grief for a pet

If your heart is broken over a dog, cat or other animal who shared your life, you are grieving, plain and simple. All of the above applies. You may feel denial, guilt about a decision, anger at a situation, and a hole in your daily routine, because your companion was woven into every part of it.

You are not being dramatic. Pet loss support lines, such as the one run by Cornell University's College of Veterinary Medicine, exist because this grief is common and real. pet loss section Books for Pet Loss

When grief may need extra help

Most people, with time and support, find that the sharpest pain eases and they can start to build a life that holds the loss. Still, sometimes grief stays so intense that it stops you from living your life.

The American Psychiatric Association added prolonged grief disorder to its diagnostic manual (the DSM-5-TR) in March 2022. It is not a judgment on how you grieve. For adults, it describes grief that continues at least a year after the loss, longer than social, cultural or religious norms would expect, and that disrupts daily life. The APA says it involves intense longing for the person who died or preoccupation with the death, along with at least three of these symptoms nearly every day for at least the past month:

  • Feeling that part of yourself has died or that your identity has changed
  • Disbelief about the death
  • Avoiding anything that reminds you of the loss
  • Intense emotional pain
  • Trouble getting back into your life and relationships
  • Emotional numbness
  • Feeling that life is meaningless
  • Intense loneliness

The APA estimates that roughly 4% to 15% of bereaved adults may experience persistent symptoms like these. For children and adolescents, the time frame is at least six months.

Do not wait for a particular date to ask for help. You can talk with a grief counselor, a doctor, a chaplain, a support group or a trusted friend at any point. Therapy with a grief focus has been shown to help, and so have support groups. Call someone if you are struggling to eat, sleep, work or care for your family, if you are drinking or using drugs to numb the pain, or if you feel completely alone. 20 Quick Tips to Help With Grief Support Groups for Child and Grandchild Loss

If grief brings thoughts of suicide

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.). Veterans: dial 988 and press 1. Outside the U.S., find a local line at findahelpline.com. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

You do not have to be in a crisis to call. Grief can make life feel unbearable, and reaching out is a brave and good thing to do.

A few things to try

  • Let the feelings come as they come. You do not have to put them in order.
  • Notice your own rhythm. If you need a break from grief, take it. If you need to cry, cry.
  • Say their name. Share stories and photographs with people who loved them too.
  • Keep your body going. Sleep, water, food and a little fresh air help more than you might think.
  • Find your people. A friend, a faith community, a support group, an online forum.
  • Read. The right book can make you feel less alone. grief books

Sources

Written by Words to Comfort

↑ Back to top