Funeral Etiquette questions

A visitation (also called a viewing, calling hours or a wake) is a time before the funeral when friends and family come to the funeral home or another place to comfort the family. The person who died may be present in a casket, open or closed, or there may be photographs and keepsakes instead. Some faiths and families hold an open-casket visitation, and some don't.

You don't need to stay long. Sign the guest book, greet the family, say a few kind words and leave. If you don't want to view the body, you can simply speak with the family. If a child would be uncomfortable, a parent can skip visiting hours and bring them to the service only.

A funeral service is usually held soon after the death, with the body present in a casket. A memorial service honors the person without the body present. Because there is no casket, a memorial can be held at any time and place that works for the family, even weeks later. Both can include music, readings, prayers and tributes, and the family chooses the style and tone. See also the question below about a celebration of life.

A private funeral is for family and invited guests only. The obituary or death notice will say if a service is private, or it will give the time and place if it is open to the public. If it is private and you are not invited, please don't attend. You can still show your care by sending a card, flowers or a donation, or by calling when the family is ready.

A celebration of life is a more relaxed gathering that focuses on the person's joys and memories. It can be held anywhere that suits the family, such as a home, park, restaurant or favorite place, often at a later date so guests can travel. People may share stories, play favorite songs or display photos. Some families wear bright colors or share a meal. Ask about dress and tone, since they vary. It is still a gathering of people who are grieving, so choose your words with care.

It depends on the family and their traditions. In Jewish tradition, the funeral is held as soon as possible, ideally within 24 hours. In Islam, burial should also happen within 24 hours if possible. In Hindu tradition, cremation usually takes place within a day or two. Other families hold a funeral within days, or plan a memorial weeks later so loved ones can gather. There is no single rule.

No. Black is a classic choice, but it isn't required. Funeral clothing isn't limited to black or dark gray. What matters is that your clothes are clean, neat and modest. Some families ask guests to wear a favorite color or something that reminds them of the person who died, and the obituary or funeral home will usually say so. Children don't need to wear black either.

Some faiths have their own customs. For example, guests visiting a Hindu family often wear white instead of black. If you are unsure, ask the family or funeral home.

If the family asks for donations "in lieu of flowers," follow that request. Etiquette experts suggest giving at least what you would have spent on flowers and naming the person in whose memory you give. Include your address so the charity can let the family know. Otherwise flowers, plants, a sympathy card, a meal or a Mass card are all kind choices. A small, practical gesture such as a casserole, groceries or help with errands can mean more than a large one.

Don't forget the weeks after the service, when the cards stop coming and the quiet sets in. A call, a meal or a note then can mean a great deal. Some families treasure something lasting, such as a framed photo, a memorial garden stone or a keepsake.

If you are visiting a Jewish family sitting shiva, bring food so the family doesn't need to cook, and check first for kosher or other dietary needs. Flowers are not generally sent to a shiva home.

A Mass card is a Catholic way to offer sympathy. The sender asks a parish to have a Mass said for the person who died (or for someone living), and the card tells the family that this has been done. You request one through a parish office and give an offering, which varies by parish, so call ahead and ask. You may send the card to the family with a note. Families appreciate knowing someone is praying for them. If you aren't Catholic, you can ask the parish office whether they will take your request.

Keep it simple and sincere. "I'm so sorry for your loss" is enough. You can add "I'm here for you." A hug or a soft touch can say a lot, if it feels right.

If you have a kind memory of the person who died, share it. Families often treasure these. If you offer help, be specific, such as "I'll bring dinner on Thursday" or "I can pick up the kids." It is also fine to say very little and simply be there.

Try to avoid phrases that explain or minimize the loss, like "everything happens for a reason," "it was God's will," "at least they lived a long life" or "I know just how you feel." Grief is personal, and these can hurt even when they are meant kindly.

If you know a family member, coworker or neighbor well, going to the service to support them is a kindness. No one is obliged to attend, though, and it's fine to send a card or note instead. If you go, sit toward the middle or back, since the front is usually saved for close family and friends. Sign the guest book, say a few words to the family, and feel free to leave quietly afterward.

Often, yes, if they want to and a trusted adult can be with them. Think about their age. A very young child may do better at home with a sitter, or you can bring a sitter who can take them out if needed.

Before the service, explain in simple, truthful words what they will see and hear, including whether the casket will be open, and answer their questions. Seat them near someone they find comforting. If a child doesn't want to go, don't force them. They can say goodbye another way, such as drawing a picture or lighting a candle at home.

A eulogy is a speech that honors a person who has died, usually given at the funeral or memorial service by a close friend or family member. It is often a few minutes long, and it focuses on the person's best qualities and a few well-chosen stories. If you are asked to give one, check with the family about what to include and who else is speaking. It is okay to pause if you get choked up, and it is okay to say no if speaking would be too painful. tips for writing a eulogy

Yes. Many families livestream so that loved ones far away can take part. Check the obituary or the funeral home for the link and start time, and join a few minutes early. If there is a place for comments, a short note such as "I'm here with you" is welcome, and you can name anyone watching with you. Keep your message simple and warm, skip jokes, and use emoji sparingly (a heart works, but a thumbs-up can read wrongly). Follow any rules about cameras, microphones and recording.

Online guest books and memorial pages are a lovely way to share a memory, and they don't need individual replies. A handwritten card sent afterward is still treasured.

Customs vary widely, even within a single faith, so these are only a few examples. When you can, ask the family.

• Catholic: Funerals are usually held at a church and may include a Mass. Mass cards are a common expression of sympathy.
• Protestant: Services may be held in a church, a funeral home or at the graveside. They often include prayers, readings, music and a message from a minister.
• Jewish: The funeral is held as soon as possible, often within a day, with simple services at a funeral home or graveside. Many families then sit shiva, a seven-day period of mourning at home, and friends visit to comfort them. Visitors often wait for the mourners to start the conversation.
• Muslim: Burial is as soon as possible, ideally within 24 hours, with community funeral prayers led by an imam. Cremation is not permitted.
• Hindu: Cremation is customary, usually within a day or two. Guests may visit the family at home, often wearing white, and a ceremony is often held on a later day. Bringing food is not customary.

Not every tradition is listed here, including Buddhist, Quaker, Latter-day Saint and Humanist services. funerals in world religions page Feel free to ask the funeral home, or a friend who shares the family's faith, what to expect and how to join in respectfully.

Treat it as the real loss it is. Many people grieve a pet deeply, and this grief can go unnoticed by others. Say something simple like "I'm so sorry about Max. I know how much you loved them." Share a happy memory if you have one. Listen without hurrying, and don't suggest getting another pet right away. A card, a small donation to an animal shelter in the pet's name, a flower, a framed photo or a meal can all feel kind.

Your friend may also have other pets or children who are grieving. Offering to help with errands, or simply to sit with them, can be a comfort. Pet loss support lines run by veterinary schools can help too. pet loss support page