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10 Alternatives to Sending Flowers to a Funeral

Funerals · 14 min read · First published 2004 · Updated November 2026

Small lit candles in a row with one flame in sharp focus
Photo by Eli Solitas on Unsplash

Flowers are a beautiful way to honor a life, and many families are deeply touched by them. But sometimes a family is flooded with plants and arrangements of every size and shape, and graves can overflow with sprays and wreaths. There is no rule that says you have to send flowers. There are plenty of other ways to show you care, and they may be remembered long after the funeral is over. Here are ten ideas.

Key points

  • If the family asks for "in lieu of flowers," follow their wishes and give to the cause they named.
  • Most people send nothing more than a kind note, and that is enough. A handwritten note about the person is one of the most treasured gifts, and it costs nothing.
  • Specific offers of help ("I'll bring dinner Thursday") are easier to accept than "let me know."
  • If you're the family planning the service, you can ask for donations instead of flowers, and you have the legal right to buy a casket or urn somewhere other than the funeral home.
  1. Make a charitable donation in lieu of flowers. This is a very common and welcome gesture, especially when it supports a cause that mattered to the person or their family. You might give to an animal shelter or SPCA for someone who loved animals, a public library for a book lover, or the American Cancer Society for someone who died of cancer. Other ideas include the person's alma mater, a school or scholarship fund, their place of worship, or another group they belonged to. If the family has named a charity in the obituary, give there.
  1. Consider a lasting memorial such as a plaque, brick or nameplate at a public landmark or community property. Places with historic restorations or community projects often sell bricks or plaques to help raise funds.
  1. Dedicate a tree or bench in a park. Many parks allow donors to give money for a tree, bench or plant with a memorial plaque. Check with your local parks department or historical society.
  1. Send a sincere letter. Long after flowers fade, a heartfelt letter about how the person touched your life will remain. Tell the family what they meant to you. It will be appreciated and kept. writing sympathy cards and condolences
  1. Involve your place of worship. Many congregations offer prayers, readings or a moment of remembrance in a person's name. Even if you belong to a different congregation than the family, your warm thoughts will be welcome. If your church, synagogue, mosque, temple or other community prints memorials in a bulletin or newsletter, you can send a copy to the family as a keepsake.
  1. Give the gift of your time. Be a friend, and listen. Instead of the open offer of "Let me know if there's anything I can do," make a specific one: "I know you have so much on your mind. I'll bring dinner Thursday, and I can mow the lawn on Saturday." That way, the family doesn't have to make decisions or ask for help. Small things count too: answering the phone, picking up relatives at the airport, walking the dog, driving the children to school, or helping with thank-you notes later. And remember the weeks after. Flowers fade in a week or two, and most of the attention fades with them. A call at the three-week mark, or a note on the person's birthday, tells the family they have not been forgotten.
  1. If you do give plants, choose something lasting. A living tree or a rose bush will remain as a memorial for years. You can enclose a note in your card saying you will plant a tree in their honor, and follow up a few weeks after the funeral to set a time. Following local planting guidelines helps it thrive.
  1. Bring a meal or send groceries. Grieving families often forget to eat, and a house full of visitors still needs feeding. Drop off a meal in containers that don't need to come back, send groceries, or set up a meal schedule with friends so dinners don't all arrive the same night. Ask about allergies and food customs first, since some faiths and families have their own mourning meals or dietary rules.
  1. Give a framed photo or a memory book. A picture of the person that you took yourself may be one the family has never seen. Or ask friends and coworkers to each write a short story about the person, and gather them into a small book.
  1. Offer a memorial keepsake. A piece of memorial jewelry, an engraved ornament or a small garden stone gives the family something to hold. If the family has chosen cremation, some people treasure a pendant or keepsake that holds a little of the ashes. That choice belongs to the family alone, so offer it quietly, perhaps with a note saying you would love to give one if they would like it, and never arrange anything involving the ashes without asking.

How to Choose

If you are not sure what to give, three questions can help.

  1. What did the family ask for? If the obituary names a charity or says "in lieu of flowers," start there.
  2. What did the person love? A gift tied to their garden, their faith, their music or their pets will be more meaningful than something generic.
  3. What does this family need right now? Some need practical help, and some need quiet company. If you are unsure, a short note and a specific offer are almost always welcome.

Some faiths and cultures have their own customs about flowers, food and gifts. If you are unsure, ask a friend from that community or the funeral home before you send anything.

What to Write With Your Gift

Keep it short and sincere. A good note has three parts: a word of condolence, a brief mention of your gift, and one personal line about the person who died. For example:

  • "I made a donation to the animal shelter in Walter's name. He loved that old dog of his so much. Holding you close in my thoughts."
  • "A tree will be planted in memory of Grace this spring. I will always remember how she laughed at her own jokes. With love."
  • "I'm bringing dinner on Thursday around six. You don't need to answer or even come to the door."

If you gave a donation, it is kind to let the family know it was made, but you do not need to say how much. Keep your own receipt. writing sympathy cards and condolences

If the Family Says "In Lieu of Flowers"

"In lieu of flowers" in an obituary is a request, and it simply means "instead of flowers." Emily Post advises that you follow the family's wishes and make a donation instead. A few small points:

  • Choose the charity the family named. If none was named, choose one tied to the person or the family.
  • Write "In memory of" and the person's name on the check or the online form, and include the family's address if the charity offers to send an acknowledgment, so they know who gave.
  • Emily Post suggests giving at least what you would have spent on an arrangement, though any amount given with love is welcome.
  • If you already sent flowers before you knew, a warm note is enough. You do not need to apologize at length.

Alternatives When Someone Has Lost a Pet

A pet's death can hurt as much as the loss of a person, and many grieving owners feel they have to hide it. Any of these says "I know how much they meant to you."

  • A note that uses the pet's name and mentions one memory, such as the way they greeted you at the door.
  • A donation in the pet's name to a shelter or rescue.
  • A framed photo, a paw print keepsake, or a small garden stone or a plant for the spot where they liked to rest.
  • A check-in a few weeks later. Say their name. Most people stay away from the subject, and a grieving owner will notice that you didn't.
  • Information about support. Cornell University's College of Veterinary Medicine lists pet loss hotlines and support groups, including the Cornell Pet Loss Support Hotline at 607-218-7457. Its hours change with the seasons, so call for the current times. pet loss support

If You're the Family: Lasting Alternatives to Funeral Flowers

If you are planning the service, you have choices too, and none of them is required. Here is an honest look at some lasting options, with the prices these companies listed in late 2026. Prices change, so ask for a written quote, and never let anyone rush you.

Asking for donations "in lieu of flowers"

Put the request in the obituary and the online notice. Name one or two causes, with the charity's full name and how to give. A few ways to word it:

  • "In lieu of flowers, the family asks that gifts be made to the local humane society in memory of Ruth, who never met a stray she didn't feed."
  • "Instead of flowers, please consider a gift to the public library, where Daniel volunteered for twenty years."
  • "Flowers are welcome, or those who wish may honor Maria with a gift to a cause close to their hearts."

If flowers arrive anyway, accept them with grace.

Memorial diamonds made from ashes

Some companies can grow a diamond using carbon taken from a small portion of cremated remains (or from hair). The carbon is purified and grown into a real diamond in a lab, not mined. One well-known company says it needs about half a cup of ashes, so the rest stays with the family, and that the person's carbon is blended with other lab carbon to grow the stone. The same company says it takes about 7 to 12 months and starts at $3,499, with larger stones costing far more.

This is a costly keepsake. No one should feel they owe it to the person who died.

Stones made from cremated remains

A lower-priced choice is solidified remains: the ashes are shaped and fired in a kiln into smooth stones, a little like river pebbles, that family members can each keep. One company lists its service at $2,495, says an adult's remains usually make about 40 to 80 stones, and says the process takes about 10 to 12 weeks. You cannot choose the exact number, shape or color.

Tree and plantable urns

A tree urn lets the family plant a young tree with the ashes, so the memorial grows. One popular kit sells for about $169 and includes a biodegradable urn, a soil additive to protect the roots and a voucher for a young tree. Check local rules before planting anywhere public.

Green or natural burial

Green burial means caring for the body with as little impact on the earth as possible. According to the Green Burial Council, that means no toxic embalming, no concrete vault, and a biodegradable casket, shroud or urn. The Council certifies three kinds of cemeteries:

  • Hybrid: a regular cemetery with a natural section, or one that allows natural burial throughout.
  • Natural: a cemetery fully dedicated to green burial.
  • Conservation: a natural cemetery run with a land trust or conservation group, with the land protected for good.

The Funeral Consumers Alliance says a green grave site and burial usually costs $1,000 to $4,000 for a body and $200 to $1,000 for cremated remains. Its page gives no date, so ask local cemeteries for current prices. A funeral home's green burial charge should be close to its direct burial charge, so compare. The Alliance also cautions that you don't need a costly "eco" casket. A plain wood box, a wicker basket or a shroud can work. green burial guide

Buying a casket or urn somewhere else

Under the Federal Trade Commission's Funeral Rule, a funeral home must accept a casket or urn you bought elsewhere, including online, and it cannot charge you a fee for handling it. It also can't require you to be there when it is delivered. You also have the right to a General Price List to keep.

Prices vary widely. A Consumers' Checkbook article last updated in December 2021 found an oak casket averaging $3,488 at funeral homes in one area, while two online sellers quoted about $1,200 to $1,300 for the same model. Those prices are several years old, so get current quotes. Be aware that a funeral home may drop a package discount if you bring your own casket, so compare the full total. your rights under the FTC Funeral Rule

Memorial reefs and scattering

Some families choose an ocean memorial. With a memorial reef, some or all of the ashes are mixed into marine-grade concrete and set on the sea floor, where it becomes habitat for sea life. One company's reefs range from about $4,250 to $9,250, include a bronze plaque and GPS location, and most levels let families take part in the casting and placement.

If you plan to scatter ashes at sea yourself, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency says it must be at least three nautical miles from land, you must report it within 30 days, and any flowers or wreaths must break down naturally (no plastic). Some families also share a little of the ashes in small keepsake urns so each person has a piece to keep. If you would rather scatter on land, check local and park rules first.

For a pet

Many of these choices are open for pets too. Some companies make memorial diamonds and stones from a pet's ashes, tree urns come in pet sizes, and the reef company above says a house pet's ashes can be included with their person's at no extra cost. A simple paw print, a photo or a favorite collar kept in a shadow box can mean just as much. pet loss support

A Last Word

None of this has to be bought. A kind note, a hug at the service or a phone call a month later may be the gift a family remembers most.

You can make a lasting impression with a little imagination. The best gifts come from the heart. The most important thing you can do for someone who has lost a person they love is to support them, listen, help and be there. Cards and words are meaningful, but actions will be remembered.

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Sources

Written by Words to Comfort

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